How to Support Someone Who's Had a Traumatic Birth.
She thought that they were so kind. So caring and so generous.⠀
She’d never done this before. It felt exciting but scary. A whole new life to grow and to protect⠀
She listened and paid attention. They told her that birth can be a risky business but that they were there to look after her.⠀
Such a lovely group of people.⠀
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At 39 weeks her kind midwife told her that she’d give her a stretch and sweep as that way her baby could arrive before her pregnancy dragged on and became dangerous. She said that she didn’t want to be induced, did she? So a sweep was best.⠀
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At 41 weeks and two sweeps later, her kind midwife booked her Induction in.⠀
She told her it was the safest thing to do. Her body obviously just couldn’t go into labour, it would just be a nudge... Placentas fail, babies have died and she did not want that to happen to her.⠀
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And at 42 weeks there she was. Her kind and generous team welcomed her and looked after her while the gel over-stimulated her uterus. While the drip made her body work too hard. While her baby went into distress. While fear swept through her body. While they kindly wheeled her through to surgery. While she bled. ⠀
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They smiled as they wheeled her back to the ward. They kindly gave her morphine to cope.⠀
Told her how well she did and that the drain pipe into her stomach would come out tomorrow and the catheter taken out when she was up and about again.⠀
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And there they left her. Now disinterested.
A bit broken. With a baby she couldn’t reach or hold.⠀
So thankful that they were there to help her along. To save the day.⠀
They were so nice and kind and a healthy baby is all that matters after all... isn’t it?
No, it really isn’t.
Who after all will be looking after the baby? Whose life has just changed forever?⠀
In my therapeutic work I see women who have suffered traumatic births. Helping them to overcome that trauma and move forwards with their lives again using EFT Tapping, hypnotherapy and the Rewind technique.
Clearly there are many reasons for trauma in birth and many stories told. Some themes however, such as unnecessary induction of labour, just repeat again and again.
To support a woman who has gone through a traumatic birth experience, for whatever reason, please remember the following:
Actively listen to her.
Repeat back what she is saying and really show that you are listening and involving yourself fully in her story, while offering no judgement. Her experience is absolutely valid and real.
Be useful and offer practical help.
Shop for food, do the laundry, tidy and clean. Remember that people always offer to cuddle the baby or look after the baby. Right now it‘s mum that we need to cuddle (if wanted) and look after. Perhaps offer to watch the baby if the mother would like a shower or a bath or a nap.
Encourage professional care prior to the birth debrief.
Ideally mum needs to have the emotion of the birth experience unhooked from the memory of the birth prior to having a hospital birth debrief. These debriefs can sometimes feel protective of the place where the trauma occurred as opposed to protective of the mother - take the story I have given you above. Just because a hospital feels that it has followed their protocols does not mean that those protocols and systems are not causing trauma. If the mother can see her GP, a CBT therapist or an EMDR or Tapping therapist in the weeks following her birth, it will help her to more comfortably deal with her potential PTSD and unpack safely what happened.
Don’t rush her.
It can take months or even years to work through a traumatic birth. In the same way that service men and women may take years to process their PTSD from armed conflict, coming to terms with what happened in your own time is important. For too long we have diminished the birth experiences of many, many women. With patience, kindness and care you can change this now.