My Heart Walks Around Outside Of Me Now...

I never truly grasped what it would feel like to have kids while I was pregnant.

I certainly never gave a thought to how other mother's felt...or what their fears or hopes were.

My preparations were to do with the body and the space that I was inhabiting. The usual, half knocking down the house when 12 weeks pregnant and a great enjoyment of clothes shopping and ante-natal yoga.

No one ever spoke to me about how it would feel.

How it would feel to have your heart on the outside of you, for everyone to see.

What it would be like in my chest to watch these precious people, these very parts of my core and identity walk freely...away from me.

Oh and it aches some days. It truly aches.

Every mum will be able to tell you about school and friendship groups...and day dreams that you are not party to.

There is a famous quote, that not only is the child born but the mother also, and it is right. Only no one gives you a guide. No one is there to tell you quite how it is going to feel. How you will want so much for these little people and generally be quite sure that you are always falling short.

Well, mums, or mums to be, here is the deal as I see it.

It doesn't get any easier, it just changes. From those vulnerable days of tiny baby, where you wish you could just keep them safe inside still...from coughs, or people or bumps or scares. Right through to that day when they walk into school without you..and you have to watch your heart disappear from you into the classroom.

And on... and on...

Parenting is exhausting. And wonderful.

Worrying and uplifting.

The worst of you and equally the very best.

No one ever warned me what it would feel like to have my heart walk around outside of me.

In three different directions.

But I think it's going to be ok.